I am twenty eight years old and there are still some days that I want to throw myself to the ground, have a tantrum and scream "I want my Mommy." And today is one of those days...
This feeling was sparked by reading a Facebook status that my cousin's girlfriend posted. She recently lost her Mom and my heart breaks for her. I want to wrap my arms around her, tell her she is not alone and that she will find the strength that she is longing for.
The void I know she is feeling, I feel too. There is an emptiness inside me that will never be filled. No one in your life will ever love you as your Mom does. There is no love as pure, unconditional and strong as a mother's love. And I will never be loved that way again. Don't get me wrong, I know my Dad loves me unconditionally (as I do him) but a girl needs her Mom.
I feel that my development as a woman, as a person, has been damaged. I've said it a million times, my Mom's death has definitely messed me up mentally and I am not afraid to admit that. There are days when I am driving in my car and it just hits me. I feel like my whole world has fallen apart. I can't stand to be around people because they seem so happy and normal (meaning they still have their Mom) and my life will never be "normal" again.
There are tons of selfish reasons I miss my Mom. I had no one to help me plan my wedding. I was all alone, in the middle of no where (okay so I was in Enid, OK but that's the same thing) planning what was supposed to be the happiest day of my life. I cannot even count the number of meltdowns I had. I honestly wanted the day to hurry up and be over with. Not because I don't love my hot handsome husband and didn't want to be married but because I didn't want to celebrate such a huge milestone without my Mom. I am happy to report that our wedding day was beautiful but I'd be lying if I said that there weren't many times that I had to take deep breaths and remind myself that I had the strength to make it through the day.
If you know me at all, you know that right now in my life there is nothing that I want more than to have a baby. I know that this isn't going to be an easy milestone either. Who will I call with the millions of questions a new Mom has? Who will remind me of the songs my Mom used to sing to me? My children will never know their Grandmother. And I think that's what hurts the most because I know my Mom would have loved having grandchildren. She would have spoiled them rotten.
It's not just my loss that I mourn. My Mom was very involved with her nieces and nephews and it breaks my heart that my cousins no longer have their Auntie Pearl. Some of them were even too young when she died to remember her and that kills me.
I think of my Mom at least once a day. Sometimes its as simple as a butterfly crossing my path (her favorite!) or more complicated like days like today. I don't always cry when I think of her. As a matter of fact most of the time the thought of my Mom brings a smile across my face. But I especially miss her when life seems overwhelming and I wish I didn't have to be so self sufficient. My hot handsome husband calls me stubborn but when your Mom dies at a young age your only option is to become independent.
I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason but ten years later I am still trying to find the reason my Mom was taken from us. Yes, it made me incredibly strong, stubbornly independent and gave me character, but I for one am tired of being strong. I'd give it all up to be wrapped in her scent and her arms.
